Dear Care Provider,
I am not a number on a chart, a line copied from your medical textbook, nor a statistic that always fits into carefully written criteria. I am so much more than the diagnosis code you entered into your medical files; I am a human being with emotions, dreams, goals, and a life outside of your small exam room. When you see me for those brief moments once a month you seem to make such vast assumptions about my existence. You assert your opinion on my emotional ability to deal with my illness firmly, as if your perspective is the only possible truth. You ask me how I believe I am coping with my situation, to which I state my conviction, but you do not hear me. You have already written your opinion in my record, you have already made your judgment even though my belief is contrasting to your own.
The word now rings out loud on my chart, one that I do not believe is true. A definition of myself that you decided after only having met me for a fleeting moment. How could this word possibly not be true you assume, I mean look at this life she is forced to lead; oxygen tanks, feeding tubes, central lines, chemotherapy, mobility aids, constant pain, crushed dreams, and a terminal prognosis at the age of 24. This is all you see, the professional patient that I have become since disease over-through my life. You see a name on a chart, a laundry list of medications, an upcoming appointment list with over 16 procedures, and a health summery with more diagnosis than you can count on both hands. You must feel it's safe to assume that word you describe me as, you feel there is no other feasible alternative to an emotional status.
The truth is, you know nothing of my life beyond your waiting room chairs. Your stance on my emotional standing is established by looking through a small key hole into my situation. This key hole supplies you a restricted view, so please do not base your conviction about me on that. Yes, I am a woman with emotions, and yes I have probably cried in your office, which given the circumstances I deem to be very appropriate. That does not however, give you the right to summarize my moment of weakness in your office as the interpretation of my being. While yes I have moments of depression, deep enveloping depression, I would not classify myself as a depressed individual. I find so much joy in this broken life. I write a blog, I enjoy time with friends, I go on adventures with my husband, I snuggle with my kitty, and I love every minute of this shattered reality.
You would not know this because you never ask. Never have you inquired about my happiness, never once asking about the things that bring me pleasure and fulfillment. You focus only on the negative, never even imagining I could be happy with my imperfect life. To be honest your judgment of me was made before I even entered those clinic doors. You made your verdict while reading my chart notes from the last doctor that chances are, didn't ask me either.
Broken, but Happy.