Friday, October 19, 2018

Rituxan Round One

I'm struggling. I would be lying if I said otherwise. I am feeling overwhelmed and crushed by life. I had FINALLY let go of all my fear and doubt, fully embracing this second chance at life I had so apprehensively tiptoed - only to crash back to reality. Crash hard. Like a rocket from space, you know, the ones you see totally disintegrate into flames as they re-enter the atmosphere in movies. Seriously, that ships hull was my mental health. It's a flaming disaster right now. I emailed my poor PCP in tears telling her that I was a constant anxiety ridden mess. Will this cause a relapse? Will this take away everything I have worked for? I feel like I am drowning in open water where no one can hear my cries for help - even though I am surrounded by a beautiful support system and highly competent medical team. Definitely not my brightest moment. I am not sure why the idea of fighting again is so daunting. Why I cannot seem to emotionally process this situation, when I did just fine with an onslaught of dire situations in the past. When I received my diagnosis in 2011 it didn't seem to phase me at all. I was sort of emotionally numb and ready to just fight. Each blow seemed to rolled right off me like water on Teflon. Now, all I feel are sensitive emotional nerve endings and I just want to hide. I can't sleep, I have breakdowns in my car, and I feel like I want to jump out of my skin at all times. Everyone expects this constant bubbly, ready to conquer, Chanel, but I am only human. I too have bad days, and right now, I am having a bad month. Needless to say, I am getting the help I need from my amazing team both mentally and physically.

Wednesday I had my first round of Rituxan to combat the auto-GVHD. Besides some swelling and fluid retention due to my crappy heart not pumping out liquid as it should - It went smoothly. I turned on my favorite ASMR youtube channel and just tried to relax. Honestly, I was so drugged with Benadryl I slept almost the entire four and a half hour infusion. A small bought of nausea, a headache, and some facial flushing were my only reactions, so I was a-okay. I head back for my second infusion on the 31st. Yes, I will for sure be in costume. 

Right now I am simply doing my best to keep my head above water and not get too worried about results before they arrive.